Not Today

Hello. I've been away for too long I already forgot my password for this blog and had to reset it just so I could get in. But I'm here and that's good.

Today was a rough day. Rougher and tougher and darker than most. But I survived. And I decided to write down my thoughts here because I know it's a safe place. It's still public and open for everyone to see, but not as public as Facebook where almost all my relatives are. Only a handful of people know about this blog and even fewer people visit it, so I know that only those who are really looking will be the only ones who will find me. So hello there, thanks for looking and finding me.

I'm fine. I'm alive. And that's the only important thing. I'd like to think I'm stronger now. Because in the middle of thinking of things to do to make sure I don't jump over the edge, I told myself to snap out of it and that really, I'm just overthinking things and making them more complicated than they really are. It's like I'm Ron and I'm being hugged by those tree roots in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and I was able to relax and calm my mind just in time before the roots suffocated and killed me (not sure that's 100% accurate but run with me here, my mind's a bit all over the place).

I knew I was a safe distance from plunging onto the tracks, because how can I be in danger when I was still thinking about the remaining articles I have to write for a side project I accepted. I'm still fine because even though the constant feeling of wanting to run away and disappear was nagging at me stronger today, I still thought about it being useless because they'd always find me, because I can't not go to church and let them know which locale I'm at. So I'm still good. When the responsible and Type A in me is still fully functional, then there's nothing to worry about.

It's just a bad day. And I've waded through worse days before. I have swum the murky waters and gotten myself out of the quick sand all the other times. Somewhere between the treading and learning to hold my breath underwater, I made a deal that for as long as God wakes me up each morning, then I'd try my best to beat the dementors and make it out alive. Because as long as I breathe into a new day, it means God didn't give up on me so I shouldn't give up on myself either. There is still something that will happen in my life and I am alive for that reason.

It's not really the desire to end my life that grips me. I don't want to die. Because if I die then that's it. I stay dead until judgement day. And although the promise of eternal life is the best thing I can imagine, I won't get that if I take matters into my own hands. So I don't just die, I condemn myself to eternal damnation too. And that's just a lot of misery.

I don't want to leave this earth yet. I just want to fast forward life. I just want to know what happens next, I just want to get to the part where everything makes sense and all the pain means something. I just want to pause and get the cheat codes so I get to pass this stage scot-free and get to the end. I want to finish the game and win the prize.

But it's not that easy. This is not a game and I am not a cheater. So I will soldier on.

Because there is only one thing we say to death: "Not today."